Length: About 10k, I think.
Disclaimer: Neither Winnie the Pooh nor Supernatural belong to me.
Warnings: Crack, Naughty language, Violence, Schmoop, Andy!Stoned.
Author's Note: This is basically a humor fic, though it does have a plot and a little angst built in. And because I wanted Andy, Ash and the Roadhouse to be in this story it's somewhat AU. Written for spnschoomptasia.
And I have to get down on my knees and worship at the feet of kirkes_island for her amazing support and hand holding. I don't think I could/would have come up with this degree of crack without someone there enabling me. And, of course, to writersredqueen who has to put up with my constant yammering and contributed many good ideas.
Summary: Possessed!Piglet drags the gang into the Hundred Acre Woods and crackiness ensues when Dean, Sam, Andy, Ellen, Jo, Bobby and Ash wake up as Pooh characters.
“So, there's nothing going on?” Sam asked, turning to face Dean in the driver's seat.
“Again, no. We were practically here, and it's your Birthday, man. You should get to relax on your birthday.”
“Yeah, but you didn't plan anything?”
“No one knows we're coming. How many times do I-”
“Then what's that?” Sam leaned back and pointed out the passenger side window accusingly. There, amid the rundown flat beds, was a very distinctive van. On that van was a Barbarian Queen riding a polar bear.
“Son of a bitch!” Dean jerked open his door and climbed out. “I told him to park that thing behind the Roadhouse.”
Sam climbed out of the Impala a little more slowly, a silly grin spreading over his face as he watched Dean glare resentfully at the van. A curtain inside the Roadhouse fluttered and then settled again, reminding him of the people watching them. Still, a warm fondness swelled inside his chest and he leaned against the hood of the car, watching Dean pout.
“You planned a party for me?” he asked.
“Not really,” Dean grunted, going to the trunk and pulling out a large brown paper bag. “Just a few people.”
“We only know a few people.” He followed his brother around the car and leaned his hip against the trunk, hoping that the car would shield them somewhat. “This is almost sweet, you know?”
“Oh god.” He rolled his eyes and groaned. “Is that right, Samantha?”
“Yeah.” Sam lowered his hand and traced his thumb over the top of Dean's hand. “We're not staying here tonight, are we?”
Dean's head snapped up, a slow grin spreading over his features. Sam groaned and licked his bottom lip in a gesture that was pure instinct. His smoky eyes narrowing in on Dean's mouth like a moth to a flame.
“Nah. I got us a room.” He quirked his brows and leaned forward to mutter, “I know what a noisy bitch you are.”
“Dude, you're planning on getting laid on my birthday?”
“Pretty much,” he agreed. “I've been jerking off to the idea of giving you a birthday spanking all week.”
Dean walked into the Roadhouse first, blinking when a light went out somewhere. For a group of hunters ... not exactly stealthy. The instant Sam stepped through the door, the lights slammed on again amid laughing and cries of "Surprise!"
"Oh," Sam stood back and took in the group of them, a slightly dopey smile on his face. "Everyone's here."
Dean nodded, a little of Sam's sentimentality spreading to him despite the bungled surprise. As far as he was concerned, everyone was here. Everyone who knew them and might mourn their deaths was in this room. And maybe the fact that there were only five people should have depressed him, but it didn't.
"Happy Birthday, Sam." Jo greeted him happily, as if their last encounter hadn't involved a knife and some harsh treatment. Off to one side, Ash and Andy echoed her greeting. Andy still had a hand clamped over the numbers of the jukebox, obviously preventing Ash from making his selection.
Ellen came around the bar with two beers, looking like a proud momma. "Another year down. Congratulations are in order, I'd say."
"To another year," Bobby said, lifting a beer in two long fingers. An affectionate grin had taken over his face, making his harsh features beam.
"And a lot of dead sons of bitches," Dean added, lifting his beer high.
An hour or two later, everyone was feeling loose limbed and a little tipsy. Sam looked happy and relaxed. There were traces of the goofy little brother Dean remembered from their childhood, and he made a vow to bring that person out more often.
And then it was time for gifts. Sam opened Bobby's first. It was a book on demon possession. Sam looked pleased. Dean fidgeted slightly, anxious for Sam to get to his gifts. Next he opened Andy's gift. It was obviously another book. Inwardly, Dean wondered if he was opening the boring ones first or if Sam was actually geeky enough to be excited by this shit. It was a giant book, obviously old and filled with words that Dean would have to google if he cared enough to read it.
"Jeremy Bentham's one of my favorite philosophers." He shrugged a little. "Mostly hedonism and pleasure versus pain and ... don't know if it's your thing, but it's helped me deal."
"Hedonism, heh?" Dean snatched the book away and decided that maybe he'd give it a read after all. "Think maybe the little fucker will relax once in a while?"
"Funny, Dean." Sam snatched it back and set it aside.
"Now mine!" Dean took out two small packages and passed them to Sam.
The first was, ironically enough, a book. When Sam opened it he froze, his mouth falling open in something close to shock. It was a book of poetry. Deep shit that Dean had barely cared to flip through before mocking Sammy for weeks when they were kids. Sam had kept it under his bed and read it often at night before falling asleep. When he'd left for college he'd taken it, though the thing had been dog eared and the cover a bit battered. Dean was assuming that it, like nearly everything else his brother owned, had been destroyed by the fire.
"Jesus, Dean." He gulped and held the book to his chest, the expression on his face very close to something the rest of the group shouldn't see.
"Here, open the other one!" He thrust the smaller package at him quickly, hoping that no one had noticed the strange vibe passing between them.
Sam opened it hesitantly and then gave a bark of a laugh when the DVD came into sight. On the cover, standing center among a handful of other characters, was Winnie the Pooh.
"Pooh?" Andy asked, cackling.
"Sammy watches it whenever it comes on. I think he's got a thing for Tigger. All that bouncing."
"Tigger's a boy," Jo said, craning her neck to see the DVD.
"Yeah, well, you might be surprised." Dean waggled his brows until Sam punched him in the shoulder and went back to opening the remainder of gifts.
Half an hour later, people were scattered about the room and the idea of cake had been brought up but then dismissed for the time being. Dean was obviously trying not to sulk, though he kept eying the kitchen was unnatural interest.
Andy had picked up Bobby's book on Possession and was leafing through the pages. Every once in a while he stopped to chuckle and read something to Ash. He hit upon one passage and broke into a completely undignified cackle before beginning to read, his voice deep and booming with seriousness.
"You know, you shouldn't really-" Ellen began.
Something crackled and then the sound of high pitched giggling ripped through the air. Everyone stopped what they were doing. A wave of wariness and aggression washed through the room, transforming the happy-go-lucky group into something more dangerous.
Sam grabbed Andy by the arm and yanked him out of the chair. Before Andy could do more than grunt in disapproval, Sam was shoving him backward, between himself and Dean. A blinding light was forming where Andy had been a few moments before. The small sliver of light grew, the giggling booming louder every second. A deafening crack sounded and in its wake the searing light flashed forward.
“Shit!” Dean snarled, unable to hear his own voice over the ringing in his ears.
He stepped forward despite almost everything inside him demanding he retreat. But Sam was up there. Sam might need him. His hands settled on Andy first and he shoved the man backwards, toward where he'd come from and the relative safety he knew was there. When his hands reached out again he caught hold of the strong forearm that he would recognize even blind.
He couldn't hear a damn thing. Couldn't see. But then Sam's hand twined around his forearm in answer, and for one moment they stood like that, clutching each other. They moved as one, shoulders pressing together so that their hands were freed to ball into fists. Dean felt his heart beat slow immediately. Just knowing that Sam was okay and at his side was comforting.
As suddenly as it started, the light blinked out. Dean's hearing came rushing back, and with it the same high pitched giggling.
“What the....” Ash drawled.
Dean flung an arm out over Sam's chest and forced him to take a step back. Not two feet before them, a creature straightened to its full height and surveyed the room haughtily.
“Hey! It's Piglet.” Andy's voice held amused wonder and he took a step forward.
“Stay back!” Ellen snapped. She'd made her way behind the bar and pumped a shot gun as she raised it to her shoulder.
“It's a demon.” Bobby didn't sound impressed.
“Aren't you clever?” The creature taunted, its voice still high pitched and childlike. “Now who wants to die first?”
“It's so tiny,” Jo said, chuckling.
“It's still a demon,” Sam said, but he didn't sound completely sold on the idea.
The demon wouldn't reach any of their knees. Dean doubted it would reach Sam's shin. It was pink, and adorned in what looked like a little shirt and scarf. It's evil giggles resembled nothing so much as a three year old girl chasing after a butterfly.
“Christo,” Dean said and was surprised when the demon actually flinched back. “Huh. Do I just shoot it?”
“You dare to mock me?” Piglet squeaked, his pink little ears trembling with anger. “You shall all fall before me-”
“Careful, piggy,” Dean muttered. "Sasquatch here would flatten you into breakfast sausage."
“Fool!” Piglet flung a hand out, his little face twisting in sadistic pleasure as a blow slammed against Dean's chest.
It nudged him backward, reminding Dean of a couple of months ago when Sam had taken to poking him when annoyed. He let out a bark of a laugh and surged forward, reaching for the demon. A few more tiny blows hit him. The feeling wasn't pleasant, but it was nowhere near enough to slow him.
His fingers were closing around the creature when its high pitched giggles turned into a squeal. It darted away, ducking beneath a table and running full out for the back door. It's tiny little feet were moving in a blur.
"Get it!" Dean yelped, diving for the creature.
It dodged left and right, squealing in panic as it darted beneath every low piece of furniture in the room. Bobby rushed it and then banged into the table when Piglet turned on a dime and darted in the opposite direction. Ash was on his hands and knees, knocking over chairs as he scurried beneath a table, hot on the demon's tail. Off to one side, Andy was bent over at the waist, his hands braced on his knees as he howled with laughter.
Finally, Sam dove at the creature. His huge frame curled around Piglet and held tight as the pink bundle squirmed and emitted high pitched squeals.
"Now what?" Ellen asked.
"Got any exorcisms in that book?" Dean snarled, falling to his knees at Sam's side. Bobby flipped through the book quickly and then his rough voice filled the room, Latin rolling off his tongue effortlessly.
"You're going to regret this!" Piglet screamed, thrashing in Sam's arms. "This isn't over!"
The squeal started again, as if Piglet knew the ritual was nearly finished, and then it suddenly changed to something else. The deafening screech of noise seemed to boom inside Dean's head. Sam contorted his body, just barely holding onto the pig as he twisted on the floor. There wasn't time to regroup or get a shot off, even if Dean's brain hadn't been doing its best to erupt from his skull. The blinding light flashed through the room a moment later and then everything was white.
It lasted for what felt like forever. Deafening sound and no sight at all. The floor dropped out from beneath him and the gun turned to mist in his hand. Pain lanced through skin and bones and muscle, and Dean was alternatively curling into a ball and jerking rigid as muscles spasmed. He whimpered, pathetic tears leaking from his eyes, and he couldn't even think logically enough to be thankful that no one could see or hear him.
When the angry, blinding light turned to black nothingness, Dean didn't fight it.
He drifted back to wakefulness with a smile on his face. There wasn't a trace of pain or even the expected swell of panic. It was peaceful and lazy. He stirred, barely concerned enough to keep himself from drifting back to sleep. Somewhere, way off in the distance, he was aware of how slow his thoughts were strolling through his mind. Dean blinked heavy eyes, more than half convinced that he was drunk somewhere and Piglet was nothing more than a very bizarre dream.
But on the second or third blink he became aware that something was wrong. Things looked funny. Very, very funny. He struggled to his feet, surprised by the fact that he was tottering around the little room ungracefully. There was a mirror, and he waddled toward it. His surrounding weren't right, but seemed strangely familiar. As if he....
Dean looked at himself in the mirror and flinched back, his little mouth falling open in surprise. He raised one arm, dropped it to his side, and raised the other. The image in the mirror followed his actions. Lifting one leg, he did a mocking "shake it all about" hokey-pokey style, but swung off balance and tottered precariously. His little arms wind milled, but it was too late and he tumbled to the floor in a soft thump.
Grumbling, he pulled himself to his feet again. After long minutes of staring in the mirror, he had to admit to what he was seeing.
"So, I'm Pooh." He ran a hand over his big, stuffed belly and huffed. "Oh ... mother fucker."
The longer he stared in the mirror the more he became aware of the little something he was supposed to be doing. He squinted his eyes closed, desperately tried to ignore the empty ache in his stomach, and forced himself to think.
"Think. Think. Think." He ran a hand over his eyes and almost howled with frustration. There was something! "Pooh is stupid!" was his only breakthrough after several long minutes of very hard thinking.
His stomach gave another painful lurch and he gave up on the whole thinking endeavor and began searching his cupboards. Ten minutes later, with every cupboard door hanging open and Dean picking himself off the floor after toppling off the counter, he decided that there was no food here.
"Jesus, I'm so hungry!" He shook his little head, frowning at himself. "Never mind that! There's definitely something...."
"Dean!" The door to Pooh's house burst open and a fast moving shape darted inside. "I found him! I found Dean! Hehehe!"
"Whoa." Dean stumbled backwards, his mind belatedly nudging him to find some way of protecting himself but his body threatening to fall off balance again.
He easily labeled the thing bouncing around inside Pooh's house. Tigger. T. I. Double Guh-er!
"Tigger?" he asked. When the creature stopped before him, very close but not actually pouncing on him, Dean breathed out a sigh of relief.
"No, man. It's me! Andy!" His entire body was twitching and shaking, as if his energy was too intense to contain.
"Andy!" Which must mean.... "Is Sam here? Where's Sammy?"
"We don't know." Kanga came hopping through the doorway, Roo on her tail. "Couldn't wait up?" she asked Andy.
"You were going too slow!" he whined and gave up the conversation with Dean in order to start bouncing around Pooh's home. His face broke out into a happy grin and he gave little shouts of pleasure with each bounce.
"Well, if someone would stop being so stubborn," Kanga muttered.
"I'm not riding in your pouch!" Roo said, clearly pouting. "I can do it myself."
"You're Ellen and Jo," Dean finally put together and nodded, very pleased with himself. "You don't know where my Sammy is?"
"No, he wasn't with us," Ellen said.
"And, uhm, you don't happen to have a ... just a little bit of something ... to eat, do you?" Dean asked, rubbing a hand over his eyes in shame.
"No, dear," Ellen mumbled, looking apologetic.
"What's wrong with him, momma?" Jo asked.
"We seem to be taking on the personalities of our characters, honey." Ellen reached down and smoothed a paw over Jo's head, straightening the collar of the little shirt she was wearing.
"Oh." Jo nodded knowingly.
"Which is why I feel like I'm tripping balls!" Andy announced, still bouncing in the corner. "This is better than speed!"
"And why I'm so hungry," Dean mumbled.
"And stupid!" Andy added, letting out another, "Hehehe."
Dean wanted to argue the statement, but he'd already come to the conclusion that his brain had to be stuffed with the same fluff as the rest of him. Instead, he just nodded. "We need to find Sam."
"And the others," Ellen added.
"Right. Sammy and ... who else?" Dean asked.
"Bobby and Ash," Ellen said.
"Dean, are you all right?" Jo asked, hopping over sedately to look up at him with big, soulful eyes. "I don't want you to be sad."
"I'm okay, Jo." He smiled and the happy energy that rushed his body made it turn into a chuckle and then his tummy was shaking gently. "How about you?"
"I've been better." Her expression was incredibly serious as she admitted, "I'm a boy."
"Relax!" Andy chirped. "Not exactly like we're anatomically correct, is it?"
Dean's eyes bugged out and he had to bend nearly in half to get a look at the lower portion of his body. When he came back up it was with a look of pure horror.
"Son of a bitch! My d-"
"Dean!" Ellen scolded, scooting forward to pull Jo away from him. "You watch your mouth around my daughter!"
"Hehehe!" Andy laughed. "Don't have to worry about them getting in each other's pants! There's nothing there!" After another crazy bounce he added, "And they're not wearing pants!"
"Don't make me come over there!" Ellen was holding her hands over Jo's ears while Jo struggled wildly to get free.
"You couldn't catch me!" Andy shivered all over, looking delighted. "Try though! Come and get me! Come and get me!"
"Stop it!" Ellen hissed.
"Cock!" Andy screamed.
"Mother fucker! Cock sucker! Breasts! and ... Doggie style!" He darted closer to her, wiggling and bouncing all at once. "Try to catch me! Please!"
"What the hell is going on here?" The door burst open and Rabbit stormed inside, a satchel full of carrots swung over his shoulder.
"You brought food?" Dean asked, edging forward.
"Not for you," Rabbit grunted and looked back at Andy and Ellen. "Have you two lost your ever lovin' minds?"
"Bobby?" Ellen asked and then gave a contented smile. "I'm so glad you're here."
"Bobby! Thank god!" Andy bounced over, his excited energy not fading in the least as he moved in circles around the Rabbit shaped creature. "Dean's stupid!"
"Hey," Dean grumbled, rubbing at his stomach idly. "I only have to think really hard, all right?"
"Don't worry, boys. We'll get out of this." Bobby's competent energy seemed to make everyone feel better and they all looked at him, patiently waiting for his plan.
Andy, on the other hand, made a happy squeal of joy and tackled Bobby to the floor. He wiggled excitedly on top of him, looking down into Bobby's face. "Hey! You're hard!"
"What?" Bobby sputtered and shoved Andy to the floor. "I am not!" He righted himself and began checking his carrots for injuries, his face flushed bright pink.
Ellen blanched and reached for Jo again, trying to cover her daughter's ears.
"Leave Bobby alone," Dean said. "You were wiggling on top of him. It was just-"
"No!" Andy broke down into a fit of Tigger-styled laughter and clutched at his stomach. "He's not stuffed! He's got bones!"
"Rabbit and Owl are real animals," Jo explained, skittering away from her mother to hide behind the round bulk of Dean.
"Interesting," Bobby snapped. "You lot think you could focus for a minute and we could work up a plan?"
"We need to find Sam," Dean said.
"And Ash," Ellen added.
"Right ... and Ash." Dean pondered something for a moment and asked, "Hey, how did we get here? I know...."
"It was Piglet, honey," Ellen said.
"Right." Dean nodded, vaguely remembering something about that. "And don't say honey. I'm so awfully hungry."
"Listen up! Before we go out there we need to find weapons. There's not much that's going to hurt a demon, but we can slow it down."
Dean began looking around the room, intent on anything that could be used as a weapon. Pooh's home was pathetically lacking. And then off to the corner he saw something that looked promising. He waddled over, a little embarrassed when Jo watched his every move, and picked up a shot gun.
"I found a gun!" he exclaimed. His arms barely bent enough to allow him to hold it up. There was no way he was getting it to his shoulder ... but then, he didn't exactly have a shoulder. Just a rounded mound of fabric and fluff.
"Yeah, Dean." Bobby walked over and fingered the end of the gun. "Too bad it's a toy gun."
"What?" He turned the gun around and eyed the end. There was a red cork stopper in there, attached to the gun with a string. "Son of a bitch!" he snarled and shook it.
"Careful, dear. You'll shoot your-" Ellen began.
Without warning the gun went off and the little cork exploded forward. Dean reeled back and rubbed at his face awkward. When his hand pulled back, his eye sight was bleary and way off. Everything twirled together and made no sense. He tried to take a step but the floor wasn't where he thought it should be and he ended up on the floor again. Strangely, he could see himself lying there and that image was blurring together with an image of the ceiling.
"Oh god!" he cried. "I've shot my eye out!"
"Oh for god's...." Bobby bent over him and shook his head. "Well, where is it?"
"I don't know. I can see me." He prodded at his face with his paws, damning the fact that there was almost no sensation or dexterity in his fluff stuffed hands. Where his little button of an eye used to be there was nothing but a loose string. "This is fuck'n ridi ... ridic ... u ... stupid!" he whined. "And I'm so hungry."
"I see it!" Andy shouted from across the room and launched himself in a long dive. The rug slid across the room under him, and a table went skidding against the wall. A framed picture of Pooh and Piglet fell to the ground and fragmented. But when Andy stood and pumped his fist into the air, there was a small button clenched between his fingers. Dean's world shook and spun with Andy's every move.
Dean tried to squeeze his eyes shut but only the eye actually attached to his head seemed willing to follow his instructions. By the time Andy thrust the eye forward with a happy, "Here!" Dean felt queasy.
The next half an hour was devoted to finding something that worked as a needle and reattaching Dean's eye. It turned out to be more difficult than any of them imagined. While Ellen was almost anxious to help mend Dean, her arms were too short and her fingers weren't exactly up to the job. That left Bobby, and while he was an expert at field dressings, Dean realized even in his less than observant state that the man wasn't thrilled to be mending his little button of an eye.
"Okay, now that that's settled," Bobby cast a long suffering look at Dean before continuing, "we need to find the others and create a plan of attack against that pink son of a bitch."
"And get Sammy!" Dean chipped in, enthusiasm gripping him tight. "Yes! Good plan, Bobby. Good plan!"
"Why thank you, son. I'm glad you approve." He looked between them and then asked, "Now, who wants to stay behind and guard my carrots?"
"Your carrots?" Ellen asked.
"Yes, my carrots. We can't let the carrots fall. It's very important." He looked between them, a frown gradually forming. "I don't think any of you will do."
"I'll watch your carrots!" Andy volunteered, clearly not focusing on the conversation. "Say, you don't have anything else planted in that garden, do you? Something more ... recreational?"
"No!" Bobby shook his head until his new ears started whipping back and forth. "You're uhm, much too valuable to the mission."
"I never get lost!" Andy agreed with a bounce. "And I can make people see gay porn!"
"Really?" Dean asked, biting his lip as he pondered the idea. "What kind of-"
"That's beside the point! This is the plan." Bobby motioned them all forward and then continued in a stage whisper. "You're going to go out and find Ash and Sam. I'm going to go and guard the carrots. When you find them, bring them back to me and my carrots. You guys got that?"
"That's a silly plan," Jo muttered.
"No, Bobby. You can't leave Sam and Ash out there all alone. What if something happened to us? You would never forgive yourself," Ellen said.
Dean thought he heard Bobby grumble, "What if something happened to my carrots?" but then he just nodded in resignation and said, "Let's go, then."